One Year

This boy turned one today.  He is a joyful, content, curious kid who delights us every day!

We had a low-key celebration with pizza and presents, and Kai was happy.  He spent a lot of time with Eli today (since I was under the weather) and that also made him happy :)

Every year seems to go faster than the last, and that was certainly true of this year.  We can scarcely believe it was a year ago already that we welcomed this beautiful boy into our family.  It took a lot of coaxing for him to come, but when this moose baby finally came our hearts expanded all over again.  We love how content he is, how snuggly he is, how playful and how smoochable!  He pulls our heartstrings every day.

Happy Birthday, Hezekiah.  We love you with a fierce love!

Victory Point: The Kindness of Strangers

Yesterday I was that mom.  I was the mom that everyone glanced at furtively with sympathy and compassion.  I was the mom that no other mom wanted to be.  I was the mom that stood in the midst of strangers, crying and panicking and frantically darting my eyes in every direction because...

...I was the mom that lost my toddler in Kohl's...right after my baby puked all over himself and the cart and the floor.

I was that mom.

It was a last-minute trip.  I wanted to get out of the house to conserve my sanity and to provide some quiet for Eli who was sleeping after a 24-hour shift.  I had a coupon, and Caleb needed new jammies anyway, so I put the kids in the car and drove to Kohl's for a quick shopping trip.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing lengthy.  Just a quick, harmless jaunt through the store.

But within five minutes of walking through the doors, my Mama Nightmare began.  Kai, who had been cheery and normal and healthful all morning, suddenly started shrieking in the cart.  I was just around the clothing rack from him, keeping an eye on Caleb who had found some superhero toys to gawk at, and quickly realized that Kai not only had no reason to be shrieking but also was not letting up.  I turned to find him flailing in the cart because he was covered in puke that was coming out of his mouth and nose.

I quickly learned this equation:
puke everywhere + panicking and flailing baby = even more puke everywhere

This was my first Kid Puke Experience.  Caleb has never thrown up.  But apparently it was Kai's time, and apparently it was destined to happen in public.

I frantically started cleaning him up while trying to comfort him at the same time.  I reached in my bag for the travel pack of wipes I always have on hand and then realized I had a total of three wipes left.  I cursed myself for failing to put a new pack in my bag when I had thought of it a couple days prior.  I used all three wipes and barely made a dent in the volume of vomit.  It was now on the floor and spreading with every flail from Kai.

My heart was aching for my crying son while also panicking about how to clean up the mess and get out of the store quickly and decently.  Suddenly I realized I should have Caleb nearby so I could easily grab both kids once I got Kai out of his pukey clothes.  I left Kai and found Caleb by the superhero toys and said he needed to come with me.  This bit of news did not please him.  He said "No!" quite emphatically and refused to come with me.  So I picked him up and he began wailing as I carried him back toward Kai who was still screeching in the cart.  I put Caleb down and turned my back on him to take care of Kai.

Therein was my mistake.  I turned my back on a child who was not keen on staying near me!

I carefully pulled the screaming baby out of the cart and began removing his jacket and pants.  Thankfully his onesie was spared, but he needed a pair of pants to wear home in the cold weather so I grabbed a random pair from a shelf.  In the midst of all this I was repeatedly saying, "It's okay, baby.  Mama's here.  It's okay, it's okay."  My mantra was overheard by another shopper who was there with her own kid, and she asked if I needed help.  I said I needed a new cart and she gladly offered to get me one.  She took off and I felt a bit better as I pulled a new pair of pants on a still-crying Kai.  Then, I suddenly realized that Caleb wasn't wailing right behind me anymore.  I stood up and called for him.  I couldn't see him so I returned to the superhero display.  He wasn't there and in that instant I just knew in that gut-instinct kind of way that my son had taken off and was lost.  He could be anywhere.  Anywhere!

I started frantically searching through the entire infant/toddler section and calling his name.  He was nowhere to be seen or heard.  I darted toward the front of the store, thinking he'd found another toy section, and was met by the helpful woman bringing me another cart.  I blurted out, "I can't find my other son!"  The woman didn't skip a beat: "I'll start looking" and she took off in the direction I'd just come from to do another search.

I kept looking and kept failing to find my son and I really started to panic.  A store employee passed me as I called Caleb's name and moved about wildly.  She instantly discerned what was happening and asked, "What's he wearing?"  I blurted, "A green John Deere hat and a brown jacket!  His name's Caleb.  This one threw up and I was trying--and I can't find him--and I was cleaning him up--and he likes to hide--and I don't know where he is!"  I wasn't speaking coherently, spouting out information at random.  The woman spoke into her walkie-talkie: "Code Yellow in infants and toddlers.  Code Yellow."

Suddenly a flurry of Kohl's employees descended on the infant/toddler section.  Everyone could see that I was the mom.  I was crying by then, carrying Kai in my arms who still had puke coming out his nose, and calling Caleb's name loudly.  I was walking through the clothing racks again and a kind customer caught my attention to say he was looking for my son too.  Several employees affirmed, "We'll find him."  Minutes that seemed like hours had already passed and I felt the weight of my child's lostness.  One employee admitted that she'd seen him a few minutes before in a different section, "but he was so fast!" she exclaimed.  I repeated that he sometimes likes to hide, hoping that someone would stumble upon him even if he had found a niche to crouch in.  At that point another employee asked me to stay put.  "We need to know where the mom is when we find him.  And we'll find him!  He's here somewhere!"  Someone else tried to encourage me by saying that this has happened to everyone before, but all I could think in that moment was, "You want me to stay put???  I need to find my child!!!"  I paced and the employee repeated that I should stay there with her.  Of course it was reasonable but I was fraught with panic.  I'd never truly lost my child before!

About ten seconds later someone called, "We found him!"  And then a woman was carrying Caleb around the corner and he saw me and shouted, "Mom!  Found balls!"  And I raced to him and scooped him in my other arm and held him close and kept crying and said, "You found balls?  Okay, okay.  Mama's here."

I couldn't be angry or disciplinary or anything else along those lines.  My lost son had been found!  I can't explain the relief and joy I felt in that moment.

Everyone started dispersing and I carried both my sons back to the site of the puke.  The kind employee who'd called the Code Yellow came with me and asked what I needed.  I asked for a bag to put the pukey clothes in and another bag for the wipes and tissues I'd used to clean up the mess.  She obliged and took care of the pukey shopping cart for me too.  The man who'd also been searching for Caleb came over to check on us.  Caleb looked at him and said, "Found superheroes!"  The man smiled and said, "Yeah?  Well, even superheroes need to stay with their moms."  And then, entirely on his own, Caleb climbed into the clean cart and sat down and said, "Stay this seat.  Right here."  And I affirmed him in that: "Yes, you stay in that seat, right there!"

We somehow made our way to the front and bought the new pair of pants and got out to the car in one piece.  And then the trauma hit me all over again and I just shook in the car.  Since Eli was sleeping I decided to call my best friend because I needed to process my Mama Nightmare with someone.

Recently, my best friend and I had a conversation about how to pray for and strive for and claim our victory in Christ because Satan is always working to pull us down through the craziness of life.  But Christ is our foundation and Christ is the victor and in all things HE is to be glorified.  So we decided to start encouraging each other by sharing the victories we experience.  And yesterday, because of my Mama Nightmare at Kohl's, this was my Victory Point: the kindness of strangers.  I was desperate and despairing and simply freaking out, and numerous strangers came to my aid to help find my lost son and clean up my pukey baby.  Praise Jesus for these people!

Then, on the way home Kai threw up again.  I swear the puke was multiplying as it came out.  There was so much vomit.  So I called my husband and woke him up and said, "You have to meet me at the door."

So another Victory Point: a loving husband who may be sleep-deprived but who meets me at the door and carries our pukey kid inside and lets him puke a third time in his arms.  To God be the glory!

(Kai wore pajamas the rest of the day while Caleb was blissfully ignorant of his earlier exploits.)

Birthday Bliss

Sunday was sunny and 60 in the Twin Cities, which is where we were for Eli's birthday.  I discovered a few months ago that the Vikings would be playing the Lions on Eli's actual birthday and I instantly knew how we were going to celebrate.  Game on!

Eli is a football fanatic.  Dare I say, football nerd?  Even though football is a manly sport and doesn't necessarily lend itself to nerdism, I'm pretty sure that anyone can become nerdy about anything if enough thought and devotion is put into it and if you can regurgitate those thoughts with youthful enthusiasm and charisma.  Check, check.  Eli is a wholehearted football nerd.  He follows the Vikings rather religiously and regularly reads blogs and articles about his beloved (although fairly unsuccessful) team.  Then he asks excitedly if he can tell me about the current offensive strategy or why he admires a certain rookie based upon his college-to-pro transition or how the coach's stance on this and that should be considered when blah blah blah...

In other words, Eli loves football.  Particularly the Vikings.

But he also really likes the Lions, not least of which because I'm a Michigander and they're the team we route for when the Vikings stink (which is most of the time).  So Sunday's game was the perfect game for us because we could cheer for both teams.  And it was sunny and 60 at TCF Stadium, the outdoor stadium at U of M where the Vikings currently play while the Metrodome is being redone.

It was great fun and we ate classic football food like cheese curds and hot dogs as we watched Eli's dear Vikings get defeated by the Lions.  Throughout the game my husband informed me of the recent changes in Detroit's defense, the status on Teddy Bridgewater's ankle injury, exactly how many field goals the Lion's kicker has missed already this year (and how many other kickers have been sacked because of their lack of aim), and why Anthony Barr is a fan favorite as a first-round draft pick.  Great fun indeed!

So Happy Birthday to my football nerd of a husband :)

The Haircuts

At the beginning of summer, we attempted to get Caleb's hair cut.  Long story short, it didn't happen.  We definitely tried.  We prepared as best we could by explaining what was happening and by bringing snacks and books and movies with us to Great Clips, but none of our preparation could prepare our boy for a strange experience in a strange place among strange people.

We walked in the door and the panic set in.  By the time he was sitting in the chair with me, he was screaming and flailing and reaching for Eli to whisk him away from that awful place.  It was not a temper tantrum.  It was a true panic attack and it broke our hearts.  So we opted not to cut his hair, at least not in that environment where he was obviously confused and terrified.  We didn't want a simple haircut to be a traumatic experience so we left and decided that, somehow, we'd have to cut his hair at home.

But since we've always loved Caleb's long hair, we didn't push the agenda.  I kept it trimmed in the back and let the summer go by.  We did agree to cut his hair sometime, though, and finally it was time.  We chose a night when he wasn't overly active and wiggly, gave him a bath so his hair was wet, turned on the TV and let him sit in my lap.  Then I took the scissors to his beautiful, silky blonde hair.

I cried after the first snip.  I couldn't help it.  I was holding a precious lock of hair in my hand and realized it was really happening: Caleb's first haircut, and it was going to be drastic.  But I kept cutting, and Eli kept assuring me that it looked good.  Tears kept escaping from my eyes but I just wiped them away and kept cutting.  It helped that Caleb didn't seem to notice or care what I was doing.  When all was said and done, I continued holding him in my lap and kissed his head over and over and over again, telling him how beautiful he was.  Because he is.  He's a beautiful boy who'll grow into a handsome man no matter what his hair looks like.

BEFORE

AFTER

Even though his haircut looked great in the end, my Mama heart was tugging.  I turned to Eli and said, "I have to cut my hair now."  Here's the thing: I'd already been thinking about chopping my hair for awhile.  It was beyond time for a trim, and it's been getting in the way for months.  Kai is past the phase when he would deliberately grab my hair, but whenever I hold him he reaches for any and all things and often gets my hair on accident.  Plus I wouldn't mind having shorter hair as I swim laps at the gym this winter.  (Trying to get all my hair into a swim cap has proven rather annoying in the past.)  All that to say, I'd been considering a haircut for awhile and then committed to it after cutting Caleb's hair.

So I went the next day and had it chopped.  The stylist took off 12 inches and I donated it, which I've done twice in the past.  And although I'm still getting used to it, I like it!  Caleb paused and stared at me when I walked in the door, noting the change, but then went about his business as usual.  My hair feels funny and freeing at the same time, and I wonder if that's how Caleb felt after his hair disappeared too.  Either way, it's a fun change for us both!

BEFORE AND AFTER

New haircuts for a new season.  We're literally in a new season as autumn has blown her way into Duluth this week, but also in a new season of life.  Eli's new job begins on Monday and we're moving forward with preparations for missions.  Changes all around!

Into the Woods

Last Monday we picked Eli up for our weekly rendezvous and, to our absolute delight, he came home with us the next day!  We had agreed that once Eli reached Two Harbors (the next town up the shore from Duluth) he would come home and finish the last 50 miles doing day-hikes instead of camping on the trail overnight.  By the time we met up with him on Monday, Eli had hiked 211 miles and lost over 10 pounds from 15 days on the trail.  I am incredibly proud of him to say the least!

Once Eli came home, he wasn't ready to leave again.  He spent three days with us, which was much needed by all.  Caleb has been confused the past few weeks, asking at least once a day, "Where'd Daddy go?" and not understanding when I explained that he's hiking.  Having Eli home for a few solid days created a sense of normalcy for us all.

But on Friday it was time to hit the trail again, so Eli took off and covered 16 miles during the day and came home again in the evening.  And the next day I had the privilege of joining him!  Eli's parents watched the boys so I could venture into the woods - and into the fall colors, which have exploded this past week - with my hiking husband.  It was amazing.  We only hiked 6 miles, but the colors were nothing short of majestic, and the weather was as lovely as could be, and the silence of the woods was invigorating!  And having the time and space to have a long, uninterrupted conversation was nothing short of majestic either.  We giddily talked about books and writing and storytelling - pretty much our favorite topic of conversation - and it was like the leaves were giddy with us and couldn't help but fall as they shook with excitement.  What a delight!

I also heard more about Eli's hiking experience.  I asked him what it was like to spend that much time alone because, even for an introvert, that's quite a bit of silence and solitude.  He admitted that it was strange to be alone so much and that he missed talking to people from time to time.  Once, when his campsite was within earshot of the road, he was surprised to realize that the sound of traffic was comforting because "it was nice to know that somebody was out there."  Spending such immense time alone, however, is what allowed him to process and debrief the last several years.  He said he couldn't have done that if he hadn't been alone.

So the woods and the silence were a good and necessary thing for Eli, but now he's ready to be home again.  He has roughly 25 miles left, which he'll do during a couple day-hikes this week, and then he can check this dream off his list!

I was thankful to experience a tiny portion of the Superior Hiking Trail with Eli and get a taste of his world these past two weeks.  It was glorious!

Peek-a-boo

I went to the Twin Cities last weekend to get some help with the boys while Eli continued hiking.  My in-laws were fabulous and graciously handled the boys so I could sleep in both days (even when the toddler woke up at 4:45 one morning and was raring to go).  We also celebrated my niece's first birthday and saw many of the Horn cousins.  It was a much-needed breather for this Mama and a lot of fun for the boys, a win-win!

I realized as we were driving home that I didn't take a single picture on my camera - an unusual occurrence.  I haven't taken many pictures in general since Eli went hiking.  I suppose every ounce of spare energy is put into maintaining my sanity and nothing else (and I don't always succeed at that either)!  I did, however, take one video on my new phone that encapsulates the joy of our baby boy.  He's a happy one, and he makes my heart happy too :)

Although I will never understand why peek-a-boo is such a joy to so many children, I'm glad such a simple thing causes so many smiles and giggles!

Little Boys and the Big Lake

My one stipulation before agreeing to let my husband take off and trek through the woods for a month was that we'd get to see him once a week.  So last Monday I took the boys to Grand Marais to see Eli.  He'd only been hiking for four days but had already covered 48 miles when we met him at the trailhead.  I might have cried when I saw him.  The four days he'd been gone might have been a bit brutal at home with the kids.  The baby might have started teething two teeth at once the day after Eli left and the toddler might have cranked up his toddler antics and given me a run for my money and neither little boy might have slept well for days on end.

In short, the first thing out of my mouth when I picked up Eli at the trailhead might have been, "You are never, ever, EVER allowed to do this ever again!"

But he's okay with that :)  Not only because he knows what a sacrifice it is for me to let him do this, but also because he misses us like crazy.  It's not easy being away from each other.  We are people who need a lot - and I mean, a lot - of time together to function well.  So although Eli's been loving the hike and processing life and meeting with God and reading The Silmarillion and simply feeling good overall, he misses us like crazy.  So seeing us pull into the parking lot to get him was the highlight of his week, even if his wife was a little crazy at the time :)

We enjoyed two days together, loving on our boys and enjoying time by Lake Superior.  We had the blessing of staying at the same house where we spent a month last year on Eli's rural rotation.  It sits on Lake Superior and was a perfect place to settle in for a couple days.  Our time together also offered Eli the chance to shower and resupply, and allowed me the chance to nap - a very, very important thing for this Mama :)

And Caleb had the chance to play by the lake, the Big Lake, the Lake that is Superior (as we like to say).  He threw more rocks into the water than we could count, and his shoes and pants were soaked before all was said and done.  He was a very happy boy :)  Kai joined us outside when his nap was done and he loved climbing the rocks and boulders down the shore.  And I had the joy of taking photos of these little boys by the big lake!

And just because I love to turn photos into black and white, I did.  I find something magical about black and white photos, especially if they're close-ups of little people.

So it was good and needed to see Eli mid-hike.  And it was good to play with our boys by the lake.  It filled up our tanks before we had to say goodbye again.  We dropped him off at the trailhead on Wednesday and he's been hiking ever since.  We'll see him again tomorrow and stay at a resort for a night and let him shower and resupply and revel in our boys again.  

We've always known that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but we're being reminded of that again.  It's hard to be apart, but it makes the time together especially sweet.

So hike on, Eli.  Our boys are eager to see you again soon, and eager to hear in the future how you took this time to nurture your soul and please the heart of God.  Hike on.